“…And maybe, I was designed to be alone. “
Through the years, I never had the courage to speak up for what I feel. I mean what I really feel. A lot of questions spinning on top of my head trying to figure out about what was wrong when I was created and what’s lacking. I’ve been asking myself of whats, whys, when and hows of life. As I go along, wandering where my feet will take me, realizations about the things I lost made me repent but hate myself more, the things I never got made me live to the hopes life can still offer but still rub the wrong way, and the rejections I have always been receiving made me comprehend that life was really never easy and in reality, it will never be.
When I was a kid, I would always look up in the sky and would always wonder how the stars were created. I grew up grasping the thought that stars were the guide and angels of heaven for they shine bright lighting the sky and glimmer as if they’re alive and breathing. Then one day I realized that some of those stars I used to look up to are the stunning product of dead and loneliness. As I mature, I become conscious that I was once a star and is scared of the possibility to be one and forever be like them. A lot of people looked up to me for being myself and commended me for the things I’ve done, like the stars in the sky, I know that for once in my life, I was able to light somebody else’s life.
As I go by the side of my days, like how the stars were created through dense interstellar gas concentrations, I have also faced series of formation. I met a lot of people and took advantage most of them. I took advantage of the passionate process life offered me, for I thought that since I was formed brightly, I can already impose upon what they intend not realizing I am already hurting people; hurting the ones who promised me they would never leave me no matter what happens. Like how the universe gave up on stars letting them to stand alone, those people also gave up on me.
Like the stars being single-handedly for a decade, I realized that neither I for so many years now. I am at the moment of my life where like the stars in the sky, is now dead and feeling sorry. Resembling how stars try to prove their worth through shining even when they’re dead, I still try to make things up for the people in my life; maybe not with those who have already disappeared, but with those who I’m currently with now. I still try to make myself shine even if I knew by then I already lost it. For I want the people around me to be beamed by me in their darkest days and hours. They see my shaft of light but in reality, I am already dead-inside. I may be wherever the people I love, I may always be in light for the person I want but I know for a fact that where I’m at is where I am destined to be at-alone looking down for the people I love. I can never be loved by somebody. And I know that. With the things that are happening in my life now, regardless of the efforts I have extended, like the stars being alone for quite some time, my mind made me think that maybe like them, I was designed to be alone.
What’s the point here? The point here is making myself accept my fate. It can be a painful process but acceptance is what we need. All of us can either be a dead star or a living planet. If we are fated either for something we like or not, accept it.